Caustic behavior of toxic expectations
-Shannon Malaka 2016
Are you someone who expects a lot out of others and of yourself? Do you seem to be waiting in expectant anticipation for a situation or something to come your way? Do you often expect others to treat you the way that you treat them? The latter question seems to be a human flaw that leads to our human down fall. Expectations have a way of revealing a lot about ourselves, things that we perhaps would rather not know as holding onto expectations are not as beneficial as we might think.While holding onto expectations can be healthy provided that they are sure to be met by reliable people and or situations, this article will discuss the unhealthy aspect to expectations as sometimes if not most times our expectations of people and situations can become quiet toxic.
Toxic expectations are strong desires that come from a desire or required need that assumes the situation will or should be fulfilled. The same goes for people too. We expect a lot out of people, including ourselves and when those expectations cannot be met, disappointment follows. That disappointment comes from an unforeseeable controlling nature as our needs are left hanging in an imbalanced state. This imbalance fueled by the need to control the situation by controlling others within that situation is what leads to admonishment against the person's unwelcomed behavior. (Regardless if their behavior is natural or not or accepted at any other given time.)
Digging down deep to the heart of the matter:
As already stated, expectations come from an assumed state of being. They are formulated from a strong desire created from an unfulfilled need. We often expect something to happen based on our actions and when the expected results do not happen we often take that as a direct hit to who we are as individuals. We turn on ourselves and become negative and dig deep into self sabotage and one man pity parties. When our expectations are placed on someone else, and they do not follow through in action the way that we want, we often use their inability to meet our expectations as a character flaw towards them. This allows for bitterness, resentment and even hate to fester.
"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you." Romans 12:3
To understand the hidden insight of expectations and where they originate is to understand yourself. As Christians, most of us live by the long standing rule to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. While we may argue that we live by this rule, this rule we put on others unexpectedly, especially when it is convenient for us. Meaning that we hold other people by the same standards we ourselves live by but only when in times we feel put out and our situations are compromised, infringed upon and boundaries are over stepped. The truth of the matter is that no where in scripture are we told to hold any one else up to that Godly standard of living. But that is what we do, and that is where we fail. Each time we hold others up to expectations we know we try our best to meet, we fail God and fail others as we fail ourselves.
Many of us expect to be treated the way that we would treat others and this often leaves us disappointed, dejected and resentful of those who we hold up to our own standard of behavior. Just because the bible tells us to treat others how we want to be treated does not mean we expect of others what we expect out of ourselves. This, therein lies the rub; expectations are a means to put ourselves first without directly putting ourselves first. The toxicity of expectations comes from the position of entitlement we put on ourselves through commanding attention by placing ownership of responsibility of our comfort onto someone else. We make it someone else's responsibility to be mindful of our needs when they CANNOT meet those needs for specific reasons. Sometimes the individual is too busy trying to meet their own needs and meet the demands of personal responsibility that they cannot be mindful of meeting what we require also. Other times, meeting our needs is simply impossible because it is not in them to do so.
An example of this would be someone getting up early for work or for the day while you remained asleep. The individual may have in their own mind tried to be quiet to allow you to sleep, but your definition of quiet compared to theirs are two different things. Your expectation of them would be that they should act similarly as you would act if the roles were reversed. It is impossible for this to happen because you and they are not the same person. Each of us have our own ideas, goals and viewpoints based on experiences and none of us are perfect all of the time. But that is what toxic expectations expect; perfection revealing our own inward imperfection; a lack of love.
Put yourself in the role of a parent. A parent's role is to teach their child how to walk and before a child can walk they first have to learn for themselves how to crawl. It would be unloving for you as a parent to demand that your child see life from your perspective -on your feet, when they have not yet the experience to see life from their perspective- on their hands and knees. To demand your child to walk before they can crawl is unrealistic, rude, unloving. They will always fail to meet your expectations because your expectations of them are selfish and fail to do to them what you would truly want someone to do to you; understand and be patient by teaching and leading in kindness.
The only one that is reliable enough to be held accountable to any sort of expectation is God. His word is His bond and when we fulfill our duty as children of God by following Him in obedience, we can expect to receive blessings. With God we can have a mutually expectant relationship. We expect certain things from Him as He expects certain things from us. When we fail Him we can't expect Him to follow through because His reliability is dependent on our dependence on Him. In fact when our expectations are not met through Him, we often use what went wrong and question our error instead of turning to God in demand and interrogation. It would be dishonorable to stand and judge God and assassinate His character through the eyes of our misguided hearts. So why do we think this is okay when we stand in judgement of others in such a way? When we expect of God we are taking Him at His word and allowing ourselves to stand in trust of Him to which He will never disappoint. When we hold others to expectations we are taking them at our word and our personal actions, when our word is not theirs to own and that always disappoints and causes us to feel hurt as we assume the individual is untrustworthy.
Turning to God in prayer can help dispel any toxic expectation as turning to God can help reveal to us how unrealistic our expectations have become. Everyone is different with different gifts and talents and keeping in mind that not everyone sees life or situations as you do is what it means to walk in mercy and grace. By allowing the individual time to grow into developing in the way that they need to go, not in the way that you want them to stops controlling behavior and the need to have your way.
Think of it this way, God gave us- you time to mature and therefore it is essential that we give others every opportunity to grow and change their way ward behavior but in their own time as these things cannot be forced. God never forced us to love Him, nor did He ever force us to follow His ways. We do unto others as we would have them do unto us by choice. We are the way we are because it satisfies us and pleases God to do so. It took us time to adopt this mannerism and we should be so kind to allow someone the leniency and clemency they need to adopt God's loving ways also.
Toxic expectations lead to:
Nit picking, resentment, control, anger, dissentious, judgement, gossip, hate, rudeness, bitterness, greed and selfishness.
"If you keep on biting and devouring eachother, watch out or you will be destroyed by eachother." Galatians 5:15
"If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions." Galatians 6:1-4
Instead of placing expectations on others it is far better to walk on the side of grace through God's love as God's love is limitless in patience and kindness. It does not boast and keeps no records of wrongs. It is not proud and is not self seeking, it is not rude and never fails.
The next time you find yourself in expectant anticipation or living in the after glow of failed expectations by giving into resentment and bitterness, consider reflecting God's love onto the situation and giving someone the time and patience God always affords you. Love covers all wrongs and guaranteed allowing God's love to judge the situation will give you peace and comfort to put your heart and mind at ease.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." 1 Corinthians 13:4
-Shannon Malaka 2016
Are you someone who expects a lot out of others and of yourself? Do you seem to be waiting in expectant anticipation for a situation or something to come your way? Do you often expect others to treat you the way that you treat them? The latter question seems to be a human flaw that leads to our human down fall. Expectations have a way of revealing a lot about ourselves, things that we perhaps would rather not know as holding onto expectations are not as beneficial as we might think.While holding onto expectations can be healthy provided that they are sure to be met by reliable people and or situations, this article will discuss the unhealthy aspect to expectations as sometimes if not most times our expectations of people and situations can become quiet toxic.
Toxic expectations are strong desires that come from a desire or required need that assumes the situation will or should be fulfilled. The same goes for people too. We expect a lot out of people, including ourselves and when those expectations cannot be met, disappointment follows. That disappointment comes from an unforeseeable controlling nature as our needs are left hanging in an imbalanced state. This imbalance fueled by the need to control the situation by controlling others within that situation is what leads to admonishment against the person's unwelcomed behavior. (Regardless if their behavior is natural or not or accepted at any other given time.)
Digging down deep to the heart of the matter:
As already stated, expectations come from an assumed state of being. They are formulated from a strong desire created from an unfulfilled need. We often expect something to happen based on our actions and when the expected results do not happen we often take that as a direct hit to who we are as individuals. We turn on ourselves and become negative and dig deep into self sabotage and one man pity parties. When our expectations are placed on someone else, and they do not follow through in action the way that we want, we often use their inability to meet our expectations as a character flaw towards them. This allows for bitterness, resentment and even hate to fester.
"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you." Romans 12:3
To understand the hidden insight of expectations and where they originate is to understand yourself. As Christians, most of us live by the long standing rule to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. While we may argue that we live by this rule, this rule we put on others unexpectedly, especially when it is convenient for us. Meaning that we hold other people by the same standards we ourselves live by but only when in times we feel put out and our situations are compromised, infringed upon and boundaries are over stepped. The truth of the matter is that no where in scripture are we told to hold any one else up to that Godly standard of living. But that is what we do, and that is where we fail. Each time we hold others up to expectations we know we try our best to meet, we fail God and fail others as we fail ourselves.
Many of us expect to be treated the way that we would treat others and this often leaves us disappointed, dejected and resentful of those who we hold up to our own standard of behavior. Just because the bible tells us to treat others how we want to be treated does not mean we expect of others what we expect out of ourselves. This, therein lies the rub; expectations are a means to put ourselves first without directly putting ourselves first. The toxicity of expectations comes from the position of entitlement we put on ourselves through commanding attention by placing ownership of responsibility of our comfort onto someone else. We make it someone else's responsibility to be mindful of our needs when they CANNOT meet those needs for specific reasons. Sometimes the individual is too busy trying to meet their own needs and meet the demands of personal responsibility that they cannot be mindful of meeting what we require also. Other times, meeting our needs is simply impossible because it is not in them to do so.
An example of this would be someone getting up early for work or for the day while you remained asleep. The individual may have in their own mind tried to be quiet to allow you to sleep, but your definition of quiet compared to theirs are two different things. Your expectation of them would be that they should act similarly as you would act if the roles were reversed. It is impossible for this to happen because you and they are not the same person. Each of us have our own ideas, goals and viewpoints based on experiences and none of us are perfect all of the time. But that is what toxic expectations expect; perfection revealing our own inward imperfection; a lack of love.
Put yourself in the role of a parent. A parent's role is to teach their child how to walk and before a child can walk they first have to learn for themselves how to crawl. It would be unloving for you as a parent to demand that your child see life from your perspective -on your feet, when they have not yet the experience to see life from their perspective- on their hands and knees. To demand your child to walk before they can crawl is unrealistic, rude, unloving. They will always fail to meet your expectations because your expectations of them are selfish and fail to do to them what you would truly want someone to do to you; understand and be patient by teaching and leading in kindness.
The only one that is reliable enough to be held accountable to any sort of expectation is God. His word is His bond and when we fulfill our duty as children of God by following Him in obedience, we can expect to receive blessings. With God we can have a mutually expectant relationship. We expect certain things from Him as He expects certain things from us. When we fail Him we can't expect Him to follow through because His reliability is dependent on our dependence on Him. In fact when our expectations are not met through Him, we often use what went wrong and question our error instead of turning to God in demand and interrogation. It would be dishonorable to stand and judge God and assassinate His character through the eyes of our misguided hearts. So why do we think this is okay when we stand in judgement of others in such a way? When we expect of God we are taking Him at His word and allowing ourselves to stand in trust of Him to which He will never disappoint. When we hold others to expectations we are taking them at our word and our personal actions, when our word is not theirs to own and that always disappoints and causes us to feel hurt as we assume the individual is untrustworthy.
Turning to God in prayer can help dispel any toxic expectation as turning to God can help reveal to us how unrealistic our expectations have become. Everyone is different with different gifts and talents and keeping in mind that not everyone sees life or situations as you do is what it means to walk in mercy and grace. By allowing the individual time to grow into developing in the way that they need to go, not in the way that you want them to stops controlling behavior and the need to have your way.
Think of it this way, God gave us- you time to mature and therefore it is essential that we give others every opportunity to grow and change their way ward behavior but in their own time as these things cannot be forced. God never forced us to love Him, nor did He ever force us to follow His ways. We do unto others as we would have them do unto us by choice. We are the way we are because it satisfies us and pleases God to do so. It took us time to adopt this mannerism and we should be so kind to allow someone the leniency and clemency they need to adopt God's loving ways also.
Toxic expectations lead to:
Nit picking, resentment, control, anger, dissentious, judgement, gossip, hate, rudeness, bitterness, greed and selfishness.
"If you keep on biting and devouring eachother, watch out or you will be destroyed by eachother." Galatians 5:15
"If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions." Galatians 6:1-4
Instead of placing expectations on others it is far better to walk on the side of grace through God's love as God's love is limitless in patience and kindness. It does not boast and keeps no records of wrongs. It is not proud and is not self seeking, it is not rude and never fails.
The next time you find yourself in expectant anticipation or living in the after glow of failed expectations by giving into resentment and bitterness, consider reflecting God's love onto the situation and giving someone the time and patience God always affords you. Love covers all wrongs and guaranteed allowing God's love to judge the situation will give you peace and comfort to put your heart and mind at ease.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." 1 Corinthians 13:4